illness is now a vague memory. back to my old vices and it feels so good. inside the sickness is a misery impossible to forget.
but health shades, shades, shades.
___________________________

9 days left here. i have no idea what is going to happen.

____________________________

i don't believe that anything is random. i'm a scientist in that respect. there is only cause and effect. causes and effects.

therefore, i am hesitant to call anything a coincidence.

this, however, does not mean that everything happens for a BIGGER reason.
i'm coming to believe that there is in fact nothing BIGGER. there are only small things unfolding. small causes making small effects.

nothing has innate significance.
significance is created by all of us to make us believe that WE may somehow be significant.

so then, this music, this enjoyment of this music, is just a program pre-established in my brain. some equation of my dna and my past experiences which has created pleasure from the sound of it.

and what then of this knowledge?
to know that nothing has meaning/ significance.
i cannot then ask what is the meaning of knowing there is no meaning?

ever circular.
but no despair, for there is no meaning then in despair.

______________________________

i seek laughter but it is so frustratingly fleeting. when i try to capture it, it disappears. when i reach for other people, they are like ghosts; i reach right through them.
i end up with just myself.

ever circular.
___________________________